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Potty Training Perils

The Lost Nugget
For days and days you can smell shit in the house. You’ve looked everywhere, followed your nose, but to no avail. You just KNOW a nugget of poo has slipped through the net somewhere along the line. Days, maybe even weeks later, you find said nugget of shit. It’s now hard, almost like a little bullet, crusty, with a layer of dust on top. You will never know how/ why it ended up where you found it (in the toy kitchen, was he trying to cook with it??), but at least you can sleep at night now knowing that the little brown bugger has been disposed of.

The Pink Eye
Shit induced conjunctivitis is a real thing. Whilst receiving some beautiful engagement news over Skype, your “potty trainee” has shat on the landing (not unusual). He has then proceeded to smear poo on the head/ side of face/ into eye of your poor helpless baby. Your baby however is just glad of the attention……until the next morning he realises that he has fallen victim to Pink Eye.

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The Brown Eye
At the start of the Potty Training Camp 2018, it’s best to just go balls out at home: face the training head on in your birthday suit (NB: trainee not trainer). This often means the postman might catch a glimpse of the “brown eye” pressed up against the window as he delivers his letters. Unsuspecting guests might find themselves looking head-on, straight into brown eye itself whilst the trainee bends over to pick up a one-legged robot off the floor. As a potty trainer leader, you will become quite familiar with the brown eye, often at close proximity.

The Plan Canceller
When potty training strikes, you have to go with it. Often sacrificing the best laid plans. As far-fetched as it might sound ” We can’t come to the park this morning as my trainee hasn’t had his morning shit”….or “sorry we have to cancel the dentist appointment as we can subject ourselves to a shit in the car…….”, are totally legitimate excuses to use. Who knew!

The Dog Whisperer
Behold, yet another shit on the carpet. As you hot-foot it into the kitchen to gather the required shit-cleaning-equipment, the dog has hot-footed it into the living room, seizing an opportunity. As you re-enter the scene of the crime, the turd is nowhere to be seen. But the white fluffy dog is looking most pleased, satisfyingly licking her (brown) lips. One can only speculate what happened.

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The Utensil User
Once they get the idea that they have to do their business into something, you must be careful of open containers/ crevices / spaces/ holes/ boxes/ cupboards etc…….Stickers MUST still be rewarded for wees in kitchen saucepans that are then covered with the correct sized lids.

The Squirter
I tell you, those little hose pipes can project a long way. Devastating for anything/ anyone that gets in its path. Even in the safe confines of your living room, there are still casualties. As quickly as you try to grab that little snake and wrestle it to the toilet, the force of the yellow liquid can still squirt through your clasped fingers and soak a poor unsuspecting train set (this time……)
NB: different for girl trainees

The Improviser
You are still in the dark beginning stages of potty training but starting to see some light. You want to leave the house (which is covered in shit) and re-enter the outside world. But you aren’t quite ready to do this with no nappy. You almost need a half-way-nappy? Inspired by some old potty training pads a friend once gave you, you decide to make excellent use if those sanitary towels in the back of the cupboard. The maxi ones, with wings. Hey presto. They give you confidence, and the potty trainee confidence. Not to mention that “fresh feeling for up to 8 hours”.

The Go-Cart
The potty trainee has finally got the hang of it (hurrah!!). So much so they have taken themselves for a shit on the potty ALL BY THEMSELVES. But why oh why is there brown skid marks in a north-easterly direction all over your beige carpet?? Unbeknown to you, whilst you were momentarily distracted (Instagram), your potty trainee has dragged their bottom along the carpet, legs out to the side for full bottom-carpet contact, to clean off the residue of the solo potty turd. You can only liken this movement to that of a go-cart/ dog with worms.

The Public Shitter
This could be in a shop/ restaurant/ al-fresco….but when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. And that poo comes FAST. Thank god you take the potty everywhere you go. But it does however mean the public cheering of potty poo “well done, clever boy, big poo etc” , and loud trainee interpretations ” mummy I’ve made a snail”, can be marginally embarrassing. Then what on earth do you do with clever potty poo??? After leaving the public place in disgrace, you rest the potty (plus snail) on top of push chair and walk head down as fast as you can (but not too fast, careful now) back to the car. Then drive the clever poo home for disposal, avoiding speed bumps.

The Foot Plunger
If you are unfortunate enough to be mildly clumsy/ unlucky at time, at some point you may well find yourself ankle-deep in a potty full of piss. You can only rejoice in the fact that it wasn’t the brown stuff. Now that would have been catastrophic in flip-flops.

The Tail
You’ve really cracked it, so much so you decide to go to a soft play (what were you thinking). All is going swimmingly, until you realise, to your horror, your potty trainee now has a tail. Not a lovely little fluffy dog tail, but a turd tail. A distinctive bugle around the bottom area. The potty trainee is about to set-off down the slide (which would no doubt end in a squishy disaster ), so with the speed of light you grab your new “doggy” and whip them into the toilet before any little brown balls slip down the trouser leg and into the ball pit.

NB: One must be very careful eating crumbs/ bits of “food” off the floor

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To add to this blog post, if you actually want to potty train with success and not fall victim to any of the above scenarios, this is a REALLY good blog on how to do it properly. Just follow the link……..

https://www.thinkbaby.org/how-to-potty-train-boys-girls-quickly-easily-potty-training-tips.html

 

 

 

 

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Life With A New Born And Toddler……

I’m back!!!

I’ve been rubbish and haven’t posted for a while, mainly because I was fat, hairy, swollen, sometimes dribbling, sweaty pregnant mess. But all is well now, albeit I cant remember what sleep is and I still look like I’m “with child” (no sorry, I’m not pregnant, I’ve actually had the baby now, its just cake)

I’m going to share my Birth Story with you in my next post, but for now I just wanted to update you all on the first few weeks of life with 2 children…..totally different ball game. Some days I feel like I’m getting it….most days I feel like I’m drowning. Sure i’ll get used to it soon? Help? Worst thing so far, what on earth do you do when both children cry at once??? I must say, not sure why God (???) didn’t invent Women that grew another arm with each child they gave birth to?!

Your Body
First of all I have a serious problem, I’m so chubby now but I just can’t for the life of me stop eating. I think I actually looked better pregnant (how long can I wear my maternity clothes for?/!) I’m not pregnancy fat now, I’m fat fat. My fat clothes from post pregnancy last time don’t even fit me:( Im actually quite upset about how rounded I am but I just cant stop shovelling chocolate in my face. Whats wrong with me??!! And it’s definitely WAY WAY worse second time round. Im afraid there is definitely no snapping back for this sack of spuds. So I have now decided I’m just going to roll with it until my 6-8 week check (maybe 8 weeks, give me more time??!). No point doing anything drastic until the doc says I’m ok right??!

Miss The Bump
Brings me onto my next point, I really miss my bump. I know now I have the real thing, but I keep waking (haha from “sleeping”) in the night and thinking I feel kicks in my belly. I still stroke it like there’s something in there (again, now just cake). Maybe it’s because I know it was the last time EVER I will be preggers (yes really), but I look at other pregnant ladies and I’m finding myself getting really jealous! You get soooo much attention when you are pregnant, such a talking point, now I’m just a normal fat person.

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New Born Phase
I must admit, I am slightly enjoying the new-born phase more this time. Apart from the relentless crying/ literally NO sleep, I’m quite enjoying having a little baby. I think the first time is such a shock to the system, but second time round I think you try to “enjoy” it more and savour it as you know how quick it goes. First time I was wishing away the new born phase as it was so horrendous. You know when you’re pregnant you kind of “round-up” the weeks…more impressive to be more pregnant ( eg. when you are 35+1day….you are 36 weeks pregnant), but I’m finding now with a new born I’m rounding it down (eg. he’s 1 day off 5 weeks but I still say “he’s ONLY a month old). People love a new born, I love the way people look at you like “awwww look at that tiny new baby”…..I don’t want him to grow and that to stop.

Life Goals
You’re new life goals become: syncing naps/ keeping 2 children alive/ brushing teeth/ clean underwear. My friend said to me you have to totally lower your expectations with 2…..that I have now done. I’m literally stoked if I’ve managed to put on one eye of mascara. I’m learning to set myself low targets….today I managed to tan my mum-tum for 15 mins outside….on my own! (Whats the expression?? Cant polish a turd?!)

Multi Tasking- Next Level
If you need to be somewhere are say 2pm…..you will need to start getting ready at 9am. S*it just takes so long now and someone always poops. I literally feel like I’m on some crazy fair ground ride constantly flitting from one thing to another like Meerkat on speed. So much coordination and JUGGLING (baby in swinging chair whilst change toddlers nappy, toddler watching Peppa Pig whilst feed baby, restrain toddler in cot whilst dress baby, baby on boob whilst YOU go to the toilet, feed toddler snacks whilst you put baby in sling to pack the bag (suitcase now actually). The list goes on. NB: Gets even more difficult when you are actually “out out”. I have a friend that used to use a toddler leash to lovingly tie her toddler up whilst she breast-fed her baby, I thought this was a wonderful idea and I’m definitely saving that for a rainy day! You remember what its like to do everything one-handed again, but you kinda feel rusty at it again. The feeling once you have both kids strapped into the car is AMAZING, I always take a min to enjoy it before actually starting the engine.

Your Toddler
Now lets move onto your toddler. First of all he WILL regress. Mine has started drinking out of baby bottles, sitting in baby chair (now broken), watching TV in the baby car seat….and insists on being swaddled?! Plus I swear he cries more than the baby? And it seems more annoying when he cries now for some reason.

When you first get home from the hospital and see your toddler again, he will seem HUGE. Like his face will just seem like a massive Elephant face. Has it always been that big? And whats happened to his head? It’s like a football! And those massive hands. It’s really like they have grown over night.

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But that moment when they first meet is honestly one of the most amazing and emotional things EVER!!

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And you must never ever ever leave your toddler in a room with your new born (not sure of that’s just my toddler?!). The first morning I learnt this after I caught him trying to feed the baby Shreddies (out of love obviously). The toddler just loves the baby SOOOO much he wants to give him kisses (eat is face), cuddle him ((belly flop on top of him), pick him up (drag him across the room by his feet), clap his hands together (pull his hands off) and tuck him up (put the blanket over his head so he can’t breath). Really don’t think he means it, but its scary sometimes. You really need something safe to put your baby in to protect him from your toddler (padded cell?)

Your toddler will become feral (like he wasn’t already??!). Discipline goes out the window and you definitely find yourself turning a blind eye to things. I misplaced my toddler at a birthday party recently, he was found underneath the party table eating crumbs off the floor. Debatable if they were actually from THAT party. Out and about breastfeeding a new born, you notice out of the corner of your eye that your toddler is grabbing fat fists full of mud and putting it down his shorts……you just have to make a decision to “deal with that later”. Better that than run across the park, new born suckered onto your nipple, other nipple standing alert in the breeze as you’ve only just realised you forgotten to put it back in from earlier.

Neglect
Your second/ new baby will become neglected. With my first baby I lovingly laid out his clothes in his BIG wardrobe, cut up all of his baby cards to make beautiful collages to go on his wall in HIS room, plastered the house in baby photos, brand new play gym/swinging chair/ cot etc, even a personalised wooden skate board to go on his door……….this time I’ve barely had time to take photos, the cards have been shoved in a draw, his (hand-me-down) clothes scrunched up in a small draws and there is no room on Arlos bedroom door for another wooden skateboard (the boys will have to share a room soon). Im still not used to having 2 children that I almost sure that at some point I WILL forget the new one. Also remember all that time you spent looking at your first born child (ie.wow we made him, isn’t he beautiful etc) you just don’t get that 2nd time round. Sounds awful but sometimes I cant even remember his name half the time…..Arlo, Rich…Lottie (the dog)??? So many names to remember.

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Mum Guilt
leads me onto the next point, MUM GUILT….it’s at an all time high. The main thing is I feel MASSIVELY guilty about throwing my toddlers world upside down by having a new baby. These are the other things I’ve felt guilty about in the last few weeks….having a baby (obvs); paying more attention to the baby; if toddler thinks I love the baby more: if baby thinks I love the toddler more: not being able to play with toddler as much; hours upon hours of breast feeding; my patience being less; less time spent cuddling toddler; more time spent feeding toddler snacks to keep quiet: a million hours of TV to keep toddler quiet; telling toddler off about touching (gentle gentle gentle….repeat) baby when he’s only trying to show love: when the baby cries; giving new baby old toddlers car seat/ baby gym/ swinging chair etc (bad on baby for old things, bad on toddler for giving baby HIS things); having to sit in the car (to contain toddler) to feed baby: not doing my silly voices at story time; not being the one to get toddler up in the morning and the first one he sees; guilty that I’m tired all the time: guilty that I keep hiding in the bathroom to eat chocolate; guilt if I’m spending time with one and not the other; forgetting new babies name; calling new baby dogs name

A Break
I’ve been very lucky and my Dad/ Mum gives me a break by taking out my toddler. I think its funny how a break becomes still having one child. If your baby is boob feeding, you literally are surgically attached to your baby for the foreseeable future. But it does actually feel like a break being left with just your baby, when did that happen?!.….makes you realise how easy you had it with “just one” the first time round…and why didn’t you find having a baby “a break” when you had your first baby?! I actually find it quite relaxing taking my baby around town now!!! When 2 children are there, you literally don’t get a chance to do anything, you’re just bouncing back and forth from one to another. IF your partner is there, then you have a child each. So basically you always have at least one child now to deal with and NEVER get a break, ever.

People Help
After countless comments of “oh you’ve got your hands full there”…people do help you when you have 2 plus children. I do feel like whenever I leave the house with both boys I have fear written all over my face,: heart punding; my eyes are bulging, I’m sweating, I’m red, my jaw is clenched, all my movements are really jerky and fast like a rabbit in the headlights. Pure focus and determination in my eyes. So thank you to the man in the doctors waiting room for bringing my toddler out of his depths of despair by showing him his walking stick… and thank you to the lady in Sainsburys for helping me pack my bags as my toddler tried climbing onto the converter belt and my babies head was flopping at a weird angle out of the sling and dangerously near to the raw chicken packet. My worst nightmare and hardest thing so far, is literally not knowing what to do when both kids are crying at once….I normally cry too.

So I’m sure it will get easier once I find my own grove and routine. After all, I’m not the first person in the world to have 2 children!!! Hats off to mums of 2 plus children!

PS.A little secret, I now keep chocolate in my bag for “incentives”….(bribes) mother of the year. You’ve literally gotta do what you’ve gotta do to survive and make things a bit easier on yourself.

PPS. And I can confirm you CAN love more than 1 child;)

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Do I Look Mumsy In This?

Why is it whatever I wear these days makes me feel Mumsy??!! “Well Katie you ARE a Mum “is the simple answer my Husband (man of few words) will give me. Well there you go, that explains it all, no need to write this blog then.

But WHY do I feel Mumsy when I’m wearing pretty much the same wardrobe I had pre motherhood (give or take a few….BILLION…. items bought on impulse after having a baby, jacked up on hormones and in my “super Mumsy identity crisis” phase). This is a question I’ve often pondered whilst picking dry crusty Wheetabix out of my hair, simultaneously frantically digging through mountains of clothes exclaiming I have NOTHING to wear.

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Do other Mums feel like this???

Is this a midlife crisis?

Am I screaming out “MUM” even when I am without child??

Is it time to re-invent oneself?

Reality check…….have you possibly just let yourself go? Chocolate cake for breakfast is actually NOT a good idea/ example to set?

So many questions.

Right, here’s whats been going on:

Your body has changed
Lets start with the tummy. Try as you might it will never be quite the same as it was. Even if you are back to your pre pregnancy weight and same waist size, it will never be quite as tight as before (was it ever tight or is this just a rose-tinted version of yourself you have created, actually you looked the spitting image of Miss Universe 2016). That gap in-between your tummy muscles is STILL there, your tummy skin is unfortunately like a deflated pink balloon and your belly button looks like ETs finger. Anyway, no more crop tops (??!!) or skin-tight tops (apart from those ones that have secret structural scaffolding). Tops that flow nicely over (hide) tummy are the style of choice these days. I’m sure I have shrunk height wise a little too?? Maybe when you are a pregnant WHALE it compresses your joints together?? To hold the baby inside you ( WE ARE SO CLEVER), hips also get wider. And goes without saying, you look a lot more tired these days and on some particularly bad days, you have even aged by 50 years. So with all these changes to your appearance of course clothes are going look different on you now. Well that is a good excuse to buy a whole new wardrobe if ever I heard one!!

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Boobs
For starters, you’ve gone from average size boobs, to monster-cant-even-be-contained-in-a-bra breast-feeding boobs…….to disappointing empty Tetley Tea bag boobs. Clothes look totally different with different boobs and you just cant keep up with it. You feel you should take the opportunity to flaunt your newly enlarged BF boobs, but then feel extremely guilty as this is perhaps wrong (??) and they aren’t real anyway ie: filled with milk. Then you realise, even though you have Jordan type boobs, the rest of you body is more likened to a Sloth. You just look odd. And no matter how hard you’ve tried to be consistent with BF sides, you are still lopsided, not such a great look. Then once all this palava is over, you are left with nothing. The expressing machine cant get anything out of them, your baby has given up trying and unfortunately there is nothing you can do to “cheer them up”. The thought may even cross your mind to have another baby just to get them back….are you crazy??!

See your body in a different way
YOU’VE GROWN A HUMAN IN THERE….RESPECT. I look in the mirror sometimes (after the self loathing and tugging at excess skin has finished) and think “wow, I grew an actual baby in there”. Just knowing what you can do, well what women can do, makes you feel your body is less like a sex machine (!!!) and more like a holy shrine to be worshipped and appreciated. It sometimes feels bad flaunting this serene “temple”. It becomes less important to look good and more important to realise what we are capable of.

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Mutton Dressed as Lamb
You are constantly in this grey area of “am I dressing too young/ am I dressing too old”. The balance just never feels right. I fear I have been over compensating since becoming a Mum and trying to dress younger. Its like I need to make a statement that I am still cool and down with the kids??! Backward baseball caps and tie dye shoes sometimes make me feel like mutton dressed as lamb. Its like I am in total denial that I’m over 30 (21 to those who ask), have a child and a house. Should I be dressing more respectfully now I’m a Mum? My skirts should be a little longer, no flaunting of cleavage (what cleavage), swimming costumes over bikini, no rips in jeans and defo no tops with side boobs??! I do feel like I can’t carry certain items off now I am a mum. Might be me over thinking things, but  do people almost expect you to dress more appropriately now you’re a mum. ANYWAY, we need to come to terms with the fact we ARE Mums and in a new category now…..The MILF Category. Accept it and work it!

No time to dress
Dressing is no longer a pleasurable thing. It’s a necessity. You have to wear clothes to go to Tescos. Spending hours deliberating on what scarf to wear with what top, what jeans flatter you the most and what necklace brings out your eyes, are days of the past. Most of the time its a case of just grabbing whats on the top of the unwashed/ unfolded/ scrunched clothes pile (BTW that you have worn for the last 3 days) with one hand, whilst trying to retrieve your favourite earrings from the nappy (possibly poohy) of your toddler with the other hand.  A lot of the time this could lead to accidentally standing in front of your bedroom window (that faces the road PLUS neighbours) with no bra on. Yes you could be more organised and devise an outfit the night before once your child is in bed, but who can be bothered with that?! So in my eyes, if it hasn’t got puke (visible) or sh*t (smellable) on it, its ok to wear.

More aware of brand clichés
There are certain brands that are considered “Mumsy”. These brands I actually really love and before becoming a Mum would not of hesitated to buy (if I had lots of money). But now I think twice about whether, for example, a Joules rain coat or Kath Cidson bag would make me look Mumsy. I guess they are tailored to suit Mums and fulfil our needs at this time (Cath Kidson= wipeable bags, Joules= practical/happy rain coats/ flattering fits). PS. I have a Cath Kidson Bag AND Joules Wellies. You do somehow just feel more drawn towards these Mumsy brands.

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Personal grooming/ different priorities
The “other things” that make clothes look good and YOU look good is personal grooming eg. actually brushing your hair, remembering to brush your teeth, shaving your gorilla (extra layer to keep warm) legs, completing your make up routine thus achieving TWO eyes of mascarra, wearing jewellery that isn’t going to be used as a rope swing, DIY on your mono brow, showering, considering shoes you don’t have to run in  …..non of this matters now. It’s all about being quick and practical with your decisions and personal grooming. Your priorities aren’t your appearance anymore, its stopping your child drinking toilet water and painting the dog purple.

Shopping
The past time of shopping itself isn’t an enjoyable activity AT ALL with a toddler in tow. You need to be focused. It’s about knowing exactly what you want and GRABBING. Knowing that you maybe have a window of 15 mins to do EVERYTHING makes shopping a different mpre stressful ball game. Super Market Sweep anyone?! However you’ve realised actually its way more fun shopping for your child anyway. This can be done quite nicely from your I-Phone in the comfort of your own home. And have you thought about the reason you may now be attracted to younger clothes??? Perhaps not an identity cries, but you are spending a lot more time surrounded by kids clothes these days you have actually forgotten that there’s a whole other universe out there (including Topshop, HM, Urban Outfitters etc).

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“Twinning”
You do lose confidence in your own judgement of dressing yourself when you become a mum, so an easy and FUN option is to just dress the same as your child. Then it’s just seen as cute (cheesy) and you can’t be blamed for dressing to young and your child cant be blamed for dressing to old. You just look awesome!!

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In mourning
You cant help but always compare yourself to your pre baby body/ life and try as you might, you just cant let go. Don’t torture yourself, don’t put a pre pregnancy bikini photo up of yourself on the chocolate cupboard, don’t troll through FB looking at younger/slimmer pictures of yourself (and FB stop “reminding” me of these skinny memories), don’t reminisce over old fancy dress items (why did you always have to make everything slutty?!), don’t keep prodding at your skin and considering chopping parts off and don’t whatever you do, weigh yourself……whilst shovelling carrot cake into your moth (technically vegetables). Easier said then done but just be amazed at what you have achieved (grown a real life human- GIRL POWER) and how your kid is the most important thing now. Once you stop trying to be the old you, you should feel more content. I’m still not there yet and in my “mutton dressed as lamb” phase….for the foresable future.

CONCLUSION
So as this is a very confusing time for us new Mums, it totally justifies excessive purchasing (online preferable) to experiment with our new identity. This is for your mental well-being therefore well-being of your child. Their future is in YOUR (credit card) hands so you MUST buy that new dress.

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Devonshire Dartmoor Dabbling

I just wanted to tell you briefly about our little adventure the other week up onto the Devonshire hills known as Dartmoor.

Now if you asked me how to get to this place again, I honestly couldn’t tell you. So maybe this blog wont actually be much use to anyone (although you could ask my Dad, he’s pretty clever and knows all the secret gems). Dartmoor is this amazing landscape of open barren hills, wild cattle, coarse nature, huge rocks, winding rivers and little hidden streams. And if you are lucky, you will find one so hidden that no one else is there (and you can’t remember EVER how to get there again). You will have your own little private lagoon for the day; hence the skinny dipping (see photos, more Arlo than me). But we will get onto that in due course.

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After ticking “finding Sheep/ wild Horses” off the list, we were lucky enough to find some Highland Cows. Ginger. Arlo was fascinated…..of course. In all honesty, I think he thought he was a part of their family. Really could not understand why he had to be kept in the car and couldn’t go and play with them.

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Off to location number 2. Less animals, more water. Arlo in fact loved to water so much he couldn’t wait to get in and forgot to take his clothes off. And obviously as a very responsible mother I was way too busy taking photos to change my child into his swimmers. So after retrieving my child from the water in his sodden clothes, there was nothing else for it. Stripped off to his birthday suit. A chance to be at one with nature and to give his clothes a chance to dry on the bushes in the baking sun.

It says in all the baby books that you should give your child some naked time anyway so they get comfortable with their body? Once Arlo had finished examining himself (!!!), he quite got into the nudist thing. He was so relaxed by the end, I found him crouching behind a bush. Thank god no one was there and thank god I had some doggy pooh bags with me (originally for the dog funnily enough)!! Naughty boy, but good potty training stuff I guess?

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Playing with sticks (ironically pooh sticks), throwing stones, wading in the water, splashing and even a bit of rock scrambling were all on the agenda (must be careful if child is still without clothes with “dangling” bits). Finished off with a naked picnic (again, just Arlo….may well have joined if my parent hadn’t been there too).

Clothes dried, nappy reluctantly re-applied, it was time to go. Arlos first taste of Dartmoor and the Dartmoor Fishes first experience of a little naked red-headed boy.

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So if you get a chance, bundle your baby/ toddler/ kid up and take them for a Dartmoor adventure. Don’t forget the swimmers. We are so lucky to have this on our doorstep…..even gets snow in the winter;) Hopefully you can find your own little hidden treasure up on the Moors, and fingers crossed you don’t end up in the same place we went to and find any of Arlos “treasure” accidentally left behind!!!!!

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How Megamum.com Was Born

So the lovely guys over at The Board Basement in Exeter asked me to be involved in their new project #wearetakingoverthisshow

Basically they are getting people involved in the UK Snowboard Industry to write about interesting stuff! Of course my entry had to be about something to do with babies and snowboarding. So here is a link to the article up on The Board Basement Website. Hope you like it………..

How Megamum.com Was Born

 

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A Day in the Life of Arlo (15 Months)…..

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4.30 am
I can hear the birds, Mummy calls them the bloody birds? Hope they aren’t hurt. Must be time to get up. I’m going to use this time to experiment with my voice and make lots of weird and unusual noises.

5.30 am
Finally Mummy comes in. I know she’s been trying to ignore me for as long as possible, but the banging my fists on the cot really loudly always gets her attention. She picks me up and tells me i’m a “stinky boy”. Well Mum, if you’d been sitting in your own poo for at least an hour you would be stinky too.

5.45 am
mmmmmm milk in bed. But there’s nothing really coming out of these saggy sack things anymore? Not like the good old days.

6.30 am
Right, I have 20 mins to roam free around the room whilst Mummy puts that stuff on her face. I like to start by taking all my nappies out of the draw, then emptying my clothes from the cupboard, then finishing off by hiding things around the room for Mum to find at a later date. Once I’m done, I like to go and sit really close to Mummy whilst she tries to distract me with these black wands (?). Stop palming me off Mum, you know what I want. That little fluffy brush that makes your face go orange. When she’s not looking I like to use it to tickle the part of my body that Mummy calls “my bits”…..she really doesn’t like that. Should’ve put my nappy back on huh?! Hmm, she looks all flustered. I wonder if she realises she has only drawn one eye brow on again today?

7.00 am
Downstairs for breakfast. Same sh*t, different day. You really need to mix things up Mum. And no, using Thomas The Tank on the Ipad will not make the Banana Wheetabix any more appetising than yesterday. GIVE ME THE COCO POPS.

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7.30 am
Breakfast done. Why do I have to go in the sink after every meal time? Oh well, great opportunity to investigate everything on the draining board. Why does Mummy go pale when I grab the long sharp silver thing? Just wanted to touch it.

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7.45 am
Play time in living room. Good time to play one of our favourite games. I take all of the wet wipes out of the packet, then Mummy puts them all back in again. She then hides the packet, I find them and take them out again. We keep playing this over and over, she loves it.

8.00 am
Oh no, the other one’s going. Please don’t leave me with Mumma all day.

8.30 am
Pretty sure we are getting ready to leave the house. OMG I’m so excited. If I bang on the front door it really hurries things along. Also discovered that If I throw this minty bristle thing in the toilet, I don’t have to do whatever Mumma wants me to do with it. Saves time. I’ve picked out my outfit, Mum helped. It’s always good exercise playing the chasing game around the living room whilst she dresses me. Sometimes we play the “shhh dont tell Dadda game” and she styles my hair and puts little clips in it to see what I would look like as a girl. Right, all ready to go, must just go “one last time” before we leave the house. It’s a big one. Oh, why has Mummy given me a change of outfit?

8.45 am
Right, into that huge machine that I seem to spend half my life in. Space Ship?? She’s put a mirror on the seat in front so I can look at myself. Heeeeey Good Looking!!  Mum, stop playing that lullaby music so loud with the windows open, people are looking at us and it’s definitely not going to help me sleee…………zzzzzzzzzzzzz

9.30 am
Oh time to wake up! We are at that place again where Mum comes out looking all hot and sweaty. Sweet I get to hang out with my mates for an hour. Oh lord, I want the ground to open up and swallow me, my mate has turned up in the same T-Shirt as me. HOW EMBARRASSING!! Why on earth is Mummy taking photos of us and saying “awwww” This is so humiliating. On the plus side, I get to mind sweep the other kids food at snack time. Mum keeps sending me in with this healthy cr*p that taste like cardboard. Whatsits are way more me.

11.00 am
Off to the park again it seems. Hope there’s a slide………….

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Oh no, it’s that girl that Mummy calls “my girlfriend” and always makes us kiss. In fact, she calls every one of my girl mates my girlfriend or future wife. I’m not a pimp Mum. Please don’t make me kiss her again, she always has her mouth wide open……actually no that’s me. Need practice.

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12.00 pm
Picnic time. I like to eat my lunch whilst running around, just to maximise time you know. Mum knows this so why does she always make me try and sit down “nicely on the matt”. I’M SO BORED.

Why is mum so cross? I was only trying to paint you a lovely picture on your white top with the red berries you keep trying to shove in my mouth. I’ve heard you say a million times you want me to be creative. Oh well, just give her one of my smiles and a cute giggle and she forgives me for anything. Haha sucker!

Oh a little sing-song, how lovely. Lets make Mummy feel better by smiling at her and clapping. I wont tell her that she’s never going to make the X-factor. Argh she keeps clapping back at me, so then I have to carry on clapping, then she claps more, more clapping from me…it’s never ending this clapping malarkey.

2.15 pm
Glad I’ve managed to figure out how to use these stump things attached to my body, so much more independence these days. Right, now I want to investigate the kids attached to the seats that go into the sky. Mumma calls them Weeeeees?? Wow that made Mum run fast.

2.30 pm
I’m having so much fun. Found a stick that’s good for bashing. I want to keep it forever. Mummy doesn’t seem to be enjoying herself anymore? She is saying to her friend “when he gets tired, he gets naughty”. That’s not true, I’m just amusing myself so you can chat to your mates. Plus I’m not tired AT ALL………

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3.00 pm
Oopse think I must have drifted off again in that big space ship again. But looks like we are back home now. I’m going to pretend I’m still asleep, Mum likes to look at me like that, sometimes take a photo. In fact, she takes A LOT of photos. Been telling her for ages I need my own Instagram account.  I can tell now she is psyching her self up for what she likes to call “the transfer”. From the space ship to my cot, all the time saying shhhhhhh in my ear as if that’s going to keep me asleep. She’s left my shoes on, my clothes on and hasn’t even bothered to change my nappy. LAZY. Oh and it’s that stupid sheep thing again, Ewrin? Euan? Eagor? It sounds like an aeroplane……this is never going to work……….zzzzzzz

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4.00 pm
IM AWAKE!!!! IM AWAKE!!!! LETS MAKE SH*T HAPPEN!!

Mum’s playing with food again. She keeps trying to distract me with different toys and making weird animal noises. Thank god we are at home as she sounds ridiculous. She finally gives in and passes me her other baby that she always carries with her. There’s this man that sometimes talks to me if I do a certain thing to it. Mum calls him Syree. Is Syree my Daddy?

4.30 pm
Bored of Syree now, time to investigate the cupboards……she really needs to put child locks on these. But wait, what is that weird fluffy thing following me around the kitchen, how did she get in here? It’s kind of like a human but smaller. I think they call it a Woof? or a Woof Woof? Mumma often tells me that it’s the only little sister i’ll ever have. Ah bonus, as now I get some little treats put out for me in a bowl on the floor. Taste like sh*t but I like to give them a go anyway. However, back to the Woof. I’ve never quite understood that long waggly thing hanging off her body, I really want to pull it……oppose that made Mumma moved really fast again.

5.00 pm
Dinner time….she seems to have spent a long time on this. Is that why she gets cross when I try to blow raspberries and and refuse to eat it when she tries to feed it to me? Silly aeroplane noise, that’s never going to work Mum. You just need to let me do it myself, I know what I’m doing, I’m 15 months old now for gods sake. Plus this awesome little plastic thing make a greeeaaat Catapult. And the round thing with the food in a great Frisbee. Feel like I’ve done some of my best work this evening. I like to finish off with that award-winning smile again and Mum is putty in my hands.

5.30 pm
Oh thank god, the fun person is back.

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6.30 pm
Bath time. Mumma and Dadda have spent a long time teaching me to splash. But now I’ve finally got it, why do they get cross when I give them my greatest splashing rendition yet. I just don’t get it. Ooooo look at those pretty little bubbles I’ve just made in the bath. Bugger, think I might have just followed through. But look at those lovely little floaty things, I’ve created some new bath toys. Although Mummy is calling Daddy in quite an urgent voice. Maybe she just wants to show him how clever I’ve been.

7.00 pm
Bedtime. I do like to have a little tipple just before bed. If I start crying and pulling one of my ears, I get some of that sweet tasty liquid. Works every time, persistence pays off. Time for the milk. Mumma and Dadda are looking so lovingly at me. I just don’t get it, 5 mins ago they were saying they might try to sell me on Ebay. They must suffer from Bipolar, poor things.

7.30 pm
Well that’s me done for the day. Cant wait for tomorrow. In actual fact I’ll just keep calling out all night long just incase its time to get up and play again. I don’t want to miss out.

I wonder where Mumma put my stick

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Baby Beachin’

Picture this……stretched out relaxing on a towel, toes wriggling in the warm sand, evenly tanned body adorned in a tiny bikini, cocktail in one hand, book in the other, listening to the waves lap gently at your feet. Pondering life with not a care in the world (apart from when you need to turn to tan the other side). Breathing in the summer beach breeze, at one with yourself and nature.

Well that’s not you……that’s the lady next to you.

Maybe that was you a few years ago pre children, but this is you now……….

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A trip to the beach is a totally different experience for me these days. Still fun, but different, oh so very different. Here are some “trouble” areas to be mindful of now you have a baby/ toddler in tow:

Luggage Allowance
Why have you got a small van full of stuff for one afternoon at the beach?? Now you have to figure out a way to carry 5 bags, tent, towels, beach blanket, toys, lunch box ….AND TODDLER (who refuses to walk in a straight line) down to the beach. Everything is perfectly balanced around your body, god forbid if you drop anything. Must even leave nipple that has accidentally popped out the side of your bikini top, sure no ones looking anyway.

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Picking a Good Spot
Important. As close to the car as possible, far enough away from the sea so your toddler doesnt feel the need to go skinny dipping, close enough to other families so you don’t feel alone, but far enough away so your toddler isn’t constantly trying to become part of another family. Not next to volley ball pitch, not close to rock pools so you have to go crabbing allllll day, not next to “lads on tour” gang or young/ fit/ business lady peering disapprovingly through her dark sunglasses as you turn a blind eye to your toddler bashing seagulls with a spade (you get ’em boy).

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Sand
Pre baby, LOVED it, couldn’t understand why people found it annoying. Now I understand. Literally gets everywhere, sure i’ll still be finding 2016 sand in 2020. At least when it’s just you, you can control the sand, but when its down to your free-spirited toddler, the sand knows no bounds. It gets into every orifice, yours and theirs. I found a sandcastle in his nappy and a crab disguised as sand in my bag. Also, due to the sand, Thomas The Tank was sent to an early grave. RIP. As if chucking him in the paddling pool the day before wasn’t enough.

Beach Picnics
Someone told me that a baby will try to eat sand once and then never again. Not true. In my experience so far, babies/ toddlers LOVE eating sand, over and over again. If you take a picnic to the beach, they even like to use sand as salt to season everything. In fact, sand can even make a lovely alternative to a peanut butter SANDwhich. Note to self, don’t take any “sticky” food to the beach.

Good for their immune system?!! That old chestnut

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Suncream
Following on from the sand theme, I would recommend applying suncream BEFORE you get to the beach. We had an unfortunate/ funny- wished id taken a photo- incident at the beach. A healthy layer of suncream was applied to my sons face, he then wished to exfoliate by falling face first into the sand. On the plus his face looked extremely brown! On the minus, it made him very unhappy and he was totally embarrassed in front of his mates. Poor lad.

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NB. Don’t forget to put suncream on yourself too, easy to miss when you are chasing your toddler around with the bottle.

Hat/ Sunnies
How on earth do you keep these on for more than 1 minute (enough time to get a pic of course)? Cue ridiculous suncream styled hairdo if cute striped beach hat has failed.

Burying Stuff
Great fun game to play with the little ones. Hours of entertainment. But then totally backfires when you start loosing stuff: phone, purse, Thomas The Tank (was he actually digging his grave??!), sunnies and even a tampon (Mummas special sweet in a wrapper!!!)

Ps. Can bury child to keep in one place

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Collecting Shells
Another good game to play, but then you’ve given them the “addiction” that they have to pick up EVERY SINGLE SHELL. Takes ages to get anywhere. Small shells always seem to find their way into their mouths.

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Feeding Seagulls
“Small white round thing, that’s not a human, must be a dog, i’ll feed it my lunch”. Now whole family of Seagulls have come visit our spot as they think it’s a free sunday roast.

Ice Cream
Would you like sand with that??!

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The Sea
Not interested in going in it when you want them to (don’t blame you, its bloody freezing), but love throwing things into it and trying to run out to sea when you’re not looking. Pretty funny when Mumma has to wade half way to France to retrieve a flip-flop huh?!

Rain

Due to the english weather, there is a chance you may get caught in a downpour. Two choices here……..quickly get sand off EVERTHING, dry/ dress toddler, pack 5 bags, roll towels/ beach blanket, retrive floating flip-flops, un-bury phone/ purse/ sunnies/ Thomas/ tampon, empty crab/ sticks/ a billion shells from bag, fend off seagulls tucking into left over food, put nipple back in bikini top (oopse forgot about that) and remember how on earth you managed to carry everything to get down here in the first place (why have you got more stuff now??!)…..OR sack it all off and put a towel over your baby/ toddlers head and beach blanket over yourself and wait for the rain to pass.

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So once you have changed your mindset and realised that beach time now is less about relaxing and more about exploring/ building/ burying/ eating/ catching/ collecting sh*t, the experience becomes a lot more enjoyable and somewhat more adventurous. I actually feel so lucky that we live so close to the beach and my son can grow up loving the beach life and all it has to offer, including sand eating!

Can also experiment with pebble beaches.

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