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What Parents REALLY Mean

I’ve noticed now my toddler is getting older I have to be a lot more careful what I say ie: fuck, shit, bollocks. But also, a lot of white lies are spun (these are good aren’t they?) and twists of the truth are spoken to help keep their innocence/ control them/ make parenting easier. Here are some “phrases” I’ve found myself using in the last month…..

Dead fox on the road…..”Aw he’s just having a little sleep, he wanted to have lots of energy for crossing the road later”….Mr Fox will be asleep for a very very long time

Jazz things/ places/ food up by saying its SPECIAL……” ah this is a special sandwich” or “we need to go home to do some special things now” (actually nothing at all, but hopefully will entice toddler into car and he will totally forget about it by the time we get home)

“Santa wont bring you any presents”….I went through such a tough time after christmas when I couldn’t use this bribe a million times a day, I mean, what do other parents do in the “off-season”? But really, I’d been buying presents since September, I was never going to cancel christmas and not give him anything, seriously

“It tastes like Bacon”…….favourite food, so a good incentive to eat/ try things. Broccoli even tastes like Bacon, promise.

“I’m so sorry, the machines broken”…seems to be A LOT of broken machines around these days. But why do they always want to go on the yellow plastic bus ride outside Sainsburys, or get some weird wind-up toy from the slot machine in the theme park. Damn the children that then go and “manage’ to get the machine working right in front of us and spoil my master plan.

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When friends/ animals/ family have to leave our house after visiting…..”Lottie (dog) has to go home for a sleep now”….she’s a dog, she doesn’t have to go home for a nap/ dinner/ milk/ stories etc. but this seems a totally acceptable reason for ending a fun time and saves a toddler melt down

Comes home with ANOTHER beautiful drawing (smudged squiggles on a tattered piece of paper), the first few I certainly kept, but can’t keep them all, can I? …… “where’s my drawing?????”…..”Ive put it in a very special place, where I keep all the most special things” (ie: the bin)….bad Mum

“ah im sorry, all the yogurts/ chocolate/ bacon/ snacks have gone now”…….still 5 chocolate bars in the cupboard that I will sneak into the bathroom later and scoff and hope he doesn’t catch me. He’s becoming wise to my secret Mum bathroom retreat

“I’m really sorry but you cant bring that stick (stick number 5678) as you need to leave it there for the other girls and boys to play with”……we have a stick cemetery in our garden

”Magic cream” pretty much any cream ( Vasaline, nappy rash cream, Fairy Liquid?!) that makes everything better in an instance

“The Dinosaur eggs in the garden (stones) still haven’t hatched…..because they only hatch in the summer time”…….buys me a bit of time to think up new excuse as to why stones haven’t hatched beautiful spikey baby T-Rexs….

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………still waiting

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Things That Are Not Ideal To Do With A Toddler AND Baby

I started writing this a while ago “Things not to do with a toddler”. But now I have a baby, there is a whole different perspective on the matter. Sometimes the logistics just don’t work?!

Get A Filling At The Dentist
Bless my Dad, he had been roped into sitting with the baby and toddler in the waiting room whilst I “nipped” into get a filling. The clock was ticking away, then a panicked text arrived from my dad saying he was caught in traffic. The dentist called me through. He took one look at me, toddler hanging off my legs, baby hanging off my boobs and said “ooh”. Yeh Ohh indeed, there was nothing I could do, they were both just going to have to come in with me. There is nothing worse than being constrained to a chair with your mouth wide open, looking at a peaceful fish painting on the ceiling, whilst hearing your toddler running riot through the dentist draws and pressing buttons on the chair (“wow mummy up”), and your baby crying frantically as you’ve taken him off the boob too soon. Then trying to “shush” and “no don’t touch that” whilst the dentist is sucking the excess spit out of your mouth. Perhaps karma for eating too much chocolate?

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Go To A Gynecoloy Appointment
Another similar medical scenario, but with a different area of the body. I wont go into details, but as the doctor is saying “the more you relax the easier it will go in”, you are trying to access snacks from your bag to stop toddler climbing onto the doctors chair and get “digger” (stethoscope), hearing the keys on the keypad type as he goes (prob accidently perscribing a 2 year old Nicotine Patches). There is nothing more disconcerting than whilst baby is crying (again) the doctor is trying to shush and sing “twinkle twinkle little star” whilst inserting a certain metal instrument into nether regions. Just altogether a weird experience.

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Loose Phone In Foam Pit
My friend and I took 3x toddler plus one baby (mine) to I-Bounce (massive trampoline place with foam pits). We thought “we’ve got this”. And we HAD got it, it was all going swimmingly. No toddlers had been catapulted, not babies had been lost in foam pit (worse than phone??) and we were all pretty stoked with our free (ish) socks. We took it in turns holding the baby (car seat). I had been taking lots of photos (for my Instagram Stories obvs.) and then suddenly realised that my phone wasn’t in my pocket anymore (big gaping open pocket of hoody), it was in fact somewhere in the foam pit. It came down to a choice, concentrate on finding my phone…..or keep track of toddlers/ baby….luckily due to some strapping toddler fathers, we managed to do it all. Everyone pitched in and it wasn’t long before it was made into a fun game for the toddlers/ parents involved. Thank god to a pink glittery phone case, the phone was retrieved from the dark depths of despair and peace was restored. I did feel like a complete DICK, I mean, who takes a phone in a into a foam pit??!

Soft Play
Joyous places. My toddler is at the age/ the type that he wants to go into the soft plays but he wants me to go int with him. Fine if there are others there to hold the baby. A juggle if not. Usually ends up with me carting the baby round with me, taking it in turns to lift toddler/ baby up and through the tower of mesh netting, then crawl through tiny tunnel hooshing baby along on his back, then along wobbly beam holding toddlers hand/ baby clasped awkwardly into boobs, navigating ball pit in similar fashion, finishing up with both of them sitting on my lap to go down the wiggly slide that launches you off into the air (due to weight?!). Next time I’m wearing my gym gear.

Changing Synchronised Poos When You Only Have The Sling
The baby carrier is amazing, I’ve used it so much, way more than the pushchair this time. Leaves your hands free to (control) toddler. But there are certain situations where it just doesn’t work. One of these times I’ve found is if you are out and about and BOTH toddler and baby have pooped. Who do you do first? I’ve tried changing the toddler with the baby in the sling, but just can’t seem to get the right angles and ended up with the toddlers poo covered winky (gets everywhere) smearing a brown patch onto the babies back in the sling. So change the baby first, he comes out of the sling, then where do you put him whilst you change the toddler? Balance on the changing table at same time as toddler change? Do toddler standing up whilst balance baby on changing table (poos are hard do standing up!). I normally end up making a little make shift “cave” on (skanky) toilet floor out of empty sling and backpack to prop the baby up whilst I attend to toddler. Harder now he wriggles more (see photo, not on toilet floor but a reconstruction of events).

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Phrases I Never Thought I’d Say….Until I Had Children

Did you ever just have a moment of realisation, and think about what you are actually saying??? Then think to yourself “wtf”?!!! Here are some of mine over the passed few weeks…….

  • No that’s not Mummies winky, those are Mummies nipples…yes 2 of them

 

  • Why don’t you give Bunny some milk, aww Bunny likes milk….why don’t you make Bunny and Teddy Dumpling (don’t ask) kiss…

 

  • How much dog poo did you eat???? (not something you ever want to ask really)

 

  • Come over here Arlo, bring both of your furry balls with you (referring to tennis balls obviously)

 

  • Arrghhh please don’t put yogurt in your ears again

 

  • My little baby, my squidgey widgey little pudding pie (actually making myself cringe…..WHATS HAPPENED TO YOU KATIE)

 

  • If you’re a good boy, you can take the watering can to bed with you (f*cking LOVES that thing)

 

  • Please stop licking the door hinges

 

  • Wowee you are SOOOOO clever, what a clever boy (clapping and cheering excessively over tiny dribble of wee in the potty….actually almost shedding a tear of joy)

 

  • Oh look, there’s a moo moo/ baa baa/ quack quack/ woof woof/ neigh neigh etc etc

 

  • No, we don’t use our toothbrush to clean our bums please (long story)

 

  • (also bum related) Please dont try and put the stick up the sheeps bottom, he wont like it

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10 MAJOR Reasons for Toddler Tantrums

So anyone that has a toddler will understand the “terrible twos” tantrums…..or not as the case may be?! They can happen over weird and unexplainable things. Toddlers can literally go from happy as larry to bat sh*it crazy in a matter of seconds, you never know whats round the next corner. And what on earth do you do whilst they are throwing themselves around…..do you just leave them?? Comfort them?? Tell them off?? Just give them what they want so they stop?? Lock them in a cupboard???!! (only joking…..). Guaranteed they will always happen out in public, where if you do just leave them to it, onlookers will give you disapproving looks like  “you should be controlling your child”. It’s got to a point where I just try to do anything to avoid an explosion, extreme lengths are often taken….. (story for another time). I’ve come to realise that basically doing anything nice AT ALL (including nice food, nice toys, going to nice places, nice dogs, nice games, nice people, nice cutlery) ends in tears, because eventually any nice thing has to come to an end. THATS what causes problems.

Anyway, here are some reasons for tantrums and problem areas to avoid. They can be sensitive little souls:

1) I told him he wasn’t allowed to brush his hair with the toilet brush. Normal hairbrush would not suffice, it HAD to be the toilet one.

2) He wanted to wear MY shoes to the park. They had pink bits on. I do understand this, they are really nice shoes.

3) He wanted to take the cheese grater to bed with him.

4) I wouldn’t let him wear his Wellies in the bath (is it me or do Wellies seem to cause a lot of problems, purely because they just LOVE THEM SO MUCH!)

5) I told him he wasn’t allowed to feed the dog chewing gum.

6) Because I put his PJ bottoms on my head and was trying to be funny (looked like rabbit ears, and I did a rabbit face with teeth to match= hilarious!!).  Unfortunately this did not sit well.

7) When he found out the hairdryer was plugged into the wall (?????)

8) His cracker broke in half (literally the end of the world).

9) Told him he couldn’t eat the mud from the bottom of his shoes. He really seemed to be enjoying his little snack until then. Mean Mum.

10) Dog ate his first poo on potty. Ok it was more like an “accidental” little nugget, but he was SOOOO proud, and to be honest, I would have been pretty upset if that had happened to me too.

The dog was ok.

(potential tantrum aborted….didn’t want to wear a hat)

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Do I Look Mumsy In This?

Why is it whatever I wear these days makes me feel Mumsy??!! “Well Katie you ARE a Mum “is the simple answer my Husband (man of few words) will give me. Well there you go, that explains it all, no need to write this blog then.

But WHY do I feel Mumsy when I’m wearing pretty much the same wardrobe I had pre motherhood (give or take a few….BILLION…. items bought on impulse after having a baby, jacked up on hormones and in my “super Mumsy identity crisis” phase). This is a question I’ve often pondered whilst picking dry crusty Wheetabix out of my hair, simultaneously frantically digging through mountains of clothes exclaiming I have NOTHING to wear.

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Do other Mums feel like this???

Is this a midlife crisis?

Am I screaming out “MUM” even when I am without child??

Is it time to re-invent oneself?

Reality check…….have you possibly just let yourself go? Chocolate cake for breakfast is actually NOT a good idea/ example to set?

So many questions.

Right, here’s whats been going on:

Your body has changed
Lets start with the tummy. Try as you might it will never be quite the same as it was. Even if you are back to your pre pregnancy weight and same waist size, it will never be quite as tight as before (was it ever tight or is this just a rose-tinted version of yourself you have created, actually you looked the spitting image of Miss Universe 2016). That gap in-between your tummy muscles is STILL there, your tummy skin is unfortunately like a deflated pink balloon and your belly button looks like ETs finger. Anyway, no more crop tops (??!!) or skin-tight tops (apart from those ones that have secret structural scaffolding). Tops that flow nicely over (hide) tummy are the style of choice these days. I’m sure I have shrunk height wise a little too?? Maybe when you are a pregnant WHALE it compresses your joints together?? To hold the baby inside you ( WE ARE SO CLEVER), hips also get wider. And goes without saying, you look a lot more tired these days and on some particularly bad days, you have even aged by 50 years. So with all these changes to your appearance of course clothes are going look different on you now. Well that is a good excuse to buy a whole new wardrobe if ever I heard one!!

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Boobs
For starters, you’ve gone from average size boobs, to monster-cant-even-be-contained-in-a-bra breast-feeding boobs…….to disappointing empty Tetley Tea bag boobs. Clothes look totally different with different boobs and you just cant keep up with it. You feel you should take the opportunity to flaunt your newly enlarged BF boobs, but then feel extremely guilty as this is perhaps wrong (??) and they aren’t real anyway ie: filled with milk. Then you realise, even though you have Jordan type boobs, the rest of you body is more likened to a Sloth. You just look odd. And no matter how hard you’ve tried to be consistent with BF sides, you are still lopsided, not such a great look. Then once all this palava is over, you are left with nothing. The expressing machine cant get anything out of them, your baby has given up trying and unfortunately there is nothing you can do to “cheer them up”. The thought may even cross your mind to have another baby just to get them back….are you crazy??!

See your body in a different way
YOU’VE GROWN A HUMAN IN THERE….RESPECT. I look in the mirror sometimes (after the self loathing and tugging at excess skin has finished) and think “wow, I grew an actual baby in there”. Just knowing what you can do, well what women can do, makes you feel your body is less like a sex machine (!!!) and more like a holy shrine to be worshipped and appreciated. It sometimes feels bad flaunting this serene “temple”. It becomes less important to look good and more important to realise what we are capable of.

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Mutton Dressed as Lamb
You are constantly in this grey area of “am I dressing too young/ am I dressing too old”. The balance just never feels right. I fear I have been over compensating since becoming a Mum and trying to dress younger. Its like I need to make a statement that I am still cool and down with the kids??! Backward baseball caps and tie dye shoes sometimes make me feel like mutton dressed as lamb. Its like I am in total denial that I’m over 30 (21 to those who ask), have a child and a house. Should I be dressing more respectfully now I’m a Mum? My skirts should be a little longer, no flaunting of cleavage (what cleavage), swimming costumes over bikini, no rips in jeans and defo no tops with side boobs??! I do feel like I can’t carry certain items off now I am a mum. Might be me over thinking things, but  do people almost expect you to dress more appropriately now you’re a mum. ANYWAY, we need to come to terms with the fact we ARE Mums and in a new category now…..The MILF Category. Accept it and work it!

No time to dress
Dressing is no longer a pleasurable thing. It’s a necessity. You have to wear clothes to go to Tescos. Spending hours deliberating on what scarf to wear with what top, what jeans flatter you the most and what necklace brings out your eyes, are days of the past. Most of the time its a case of just grabbing whats on the top of the unwashed/ unfolded/ scrunched clothes pile (BTW that you have worn for the last 3 days) with one hand, whilst trying to retrieve your favourite earrings from the nappy (possibly poohy) of your toddler with the other hand.  A lot of the time this could lead to accidentally standing in front of your bedroom window (that faces the road PLUS neighbours) with no bra on. Yes you could be more organised and devise an outfit the night before once your child is in bed, but who can be bothered with that?! So in my eyes, if it hasn’t got puke (visible) or sh*t (smellable) on it, its ok to wear.

More aware of brand clichés
There are certain brands that are considered “Mumsy”. These brands I actually really love and before becoming a Mum would not of hesitated to buy (if I had lots of money). But now I think twice about whether, for example, a Joules rain coat or Kath Cidson bag would make me look Mumsy. I guess they are tailored to suit Mums and fulfil our needs at this time (Cath Kidson= wipeable bags, Joules= practical/happy rain coats/ flattering fits). PS. I have a Cath Kidson Bag AND Joules Wellies. You do somehow just feel more drawn towards these Mumsy brands.

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Personal grooming/ different priorities
The “other things” that make clothes look good and YOU look good is personal grooming eg. actually brushing your hair, remembering to brush your teeth, shaving your gorilla (extra layer to keep warm) legs, completing your make up routine thus achieving TWO eyes of mascarra, wearing jewellery that isn’t going to be used as a rope swing, DIY on your mono brow, showering, considering shoes you don’t have to run in  …..non of this matters now. It’s all about being quick and practical with your decisions and personal grooming. Your priorities aren’t your appearance anymore, its stopping your child drinking toilet water and painting the dog purple.

Shopping
The past time of shopping itself isn’t an enjoyable activity AT ALL with a toddler in tow. You need to be focused. It’s about knowing exactly what you want and GRABBING. Knowing that you maybe have a window of 15 mins to do EVERYTHING makes shopping a different mpre stressful ball game. Super Market Sweep anyone?! However you’ve realised actually its way more fun shopping for your child anyway. This can be done quite nicely from your I-Phone in the comfort of your own home. And have you thought about the reason you may now be attracted to younger clothes??? Perhaps not an identity cries, but you are spending a lot more time surrounded by kids clothes these days you have actually forgotten that there’s a whole other universe out there (including Topshop, HM, Urban Outfitters etc).

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“Twinning”
You do lose confidence in your own judgement of dressing yourself when you become a mum, so an easy and FUN option is to just dress the same as your child. Then it’s just seen as cute (cheesy) and you can’t be blamed for dressing to young and your child cant be blamed for dressing to old. You just look awesome!!

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In mourning
You cant help but always compare yourself to your pre baby body/ life and try as you might, you just cant let go. Don’t torture yourself, don’t put a pre pregnancy bikini photo up of yourself on the chocolate cupboard, don’t troll through FB looking at younger/slimmer pictures of yourself (and FB stop “reminding” me of these skinny memories), don’t reminisce over old fancy dress items (why did you always have to make everything slutty?!), don’t keep prodding at your skin and considering chopping parts off and don’t whatever you do, weigh yourself……whilst shovelling carrot cake into your moth (technically vegetables). Easier said then done but just be amazed at what you have achieved (grown a real life human- GIRL POWER) and how your kid is the most important thing now. Once you stop trying to be the old you, you should feel more content. I’m still not there yet and in my “mutton dressed as lamb” phase….for the foresable future.

CONCLUSION
So as this is a very confusing time for us new Mums, it totally justifies excessive purchasing (online preferable) to experiment with our new identity. This is for your mental well-being therefore well-being of your child. Their future is in YOUR (credit card) hands so you MUST buy that new dress.